Some Things Will Always Suck

It’s human nature to prefer positive emotions to negative ones. Who wouldn’t rather feel happy than sad? Happy is good. Happy is great, in fact. But happy isn’t constant.

We need to accept and even lean into unpleasant emotions as well. Anger, sadness, fear…These are a few of the most basic “negative” emotions. We all experience them. (And if you tell me you just “don’t get angry,” I will ever so gently suggest that you talk to someone about that because anger is important. But we’ll save that for another blog.) These negative emotions are all very normal. We just don’t like them because, well, they kind of suck.

In fact, we will go to great lengths to avoid them, minimize them, and deny them. We hide these unpleasant emotions from others for fear of being judged. And we judge ourselves for feeling them. “What’s wrong with me?? Why can’t I just be happy?” Sound familiar? Or, “I know I’m being ridiculous but I can’t stop worrying.” And anger? Yep, anger is the emotion people-pleasers, emotional caretakers, and “nice” girls deny the most. We don’t want to upset anyone or rock the boat, so anger isn’t welcome here, thank you very much.

I will say that I am generally a pretty positive person. I tend to be an optimist, even a dreamer. But as an empath, I feel things deeply and I fall into that “emotionally sensitive” category. So sadness is no stranger to me. In fact, I struggle with bouts of depression from time to time. It is what it is. (Sidenote, this is why I take self-care and self-compassion so seriously both for myself and in my work with clients.)

It was a recent experience of sadness that inspired me to write this. I was saying goodbye to a loved one after a visit. Saying goodbye, for me, just always hurts. It’s never going to not hurt. I might have some mixed feelings in there as well, depending on the situation, but sadness will always be one of them. Dropping my daughter off at college for the first time? Oh boy, that one’s a doozy! I was excited for her, happy for her, and grief-stricken all at the same time.

There are experiences we have in life that, when we think of them, will always be painful, and each of us knows what those experiences are in our own lives. Loss of a loved one, loss of a pet, loss of a job perhaps, loss of a relationship. Let’s face it, loss hurts. Some things may always make us anxious. Some things may always trigger anger.

I’m not suggesting that we wallow or stay stuck in our negative emotions, but we need to acknowledge them and make space for them. In reality, the more we fight them or try to avoid them, the more stuck we get, so stop fighting them. Lean into sadness when you’re sad and allow yourself to feel angry when the situation calls for it. Let go of judgment around your fears. Give yourself permission to feel whatever is coming up for you. Embrace the unpleasant emotions and practice compassion towards yourself for feeling them. Let me repeat that for those of you who are mentally “yes, but…”ing me. Embrace the unpleasant emotions and practice compassion towards yourself for feeling them.

Of course, we’re still going to prefer happy to sad, and things like practicing gratitude, looking for moments of joy, and connecting with the people, places, and things that light you up are all important. But when darker moments wash over you, let them. Remind yourself that, unpleasant as they might be, those negative emotions are a normal part of the human experience, so be gentle with yourself. Some things will always suck. And that’s ok.