If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, overextended, or just plain over it, this blog is for you!
Seriously though, it’s no secret that we people pleasers, emotional caretakers, and empaths struggle with boundaries. And I’m sure you’ve heard more than once how important it is to “set healthy boundaries.” You might even be rolling your eyes right now saying, “Yes! I actually have heard it a million times. I know I need to ‘set boundaries’ but what does that mean exactly and, more importantly, how do I do it?”
Don’t worry, Boo. I got you! We’re going to get down and dirty with a few boundaries in particular.
Back to Basics
Simply put, a boundary is anything that separates one thing from another and, in many cases, is there to protect us. Right?
Boundaries exist in several categories, including physical, sexual, intellectual, financial, spiritual, boundaries around time, and emotional boundaries. For the most part, these are either obvious or self-explanatory.
Physical Boundaries
The concept of a physical boundary, for example, is easy. Think, moat around a castle that’s designed to keep the enemy at bay, or the picket fence around our yard that hopefully keeps our dog in and stray dogs out. (Although, who are we kidding? We’re empaths. If there’s a stray dog out there in need of help, we’re there in a heartbeat!)
Physical boundaries as they pertain to people are also pretty clear. If you grew up with siblings or have kids of your own, you’ve no doubt heard (or uttered) the phrase, “Stop touching me! Mom…he/she keeps touching me!”
I distinctly remember family road trips as a kid, sharing the back seat of our station wagon with my older brother. Inevitably, one of us would start to complain that the other was “on my side,” and one of us would draw that invisible line down the middle of the seat, firmly instructing the other to “stay on your side!” Boundaries.
All kidding aside, setting healthy boundaries around our physical space is important. And while it may seem like a no-brainer, there are a few situations where it can feel difficult. So let’s review.
We get to decide who touches us, how, when, and where, as well as how comfortable we are with respect to proximity.
Remember the “close talker” on Seinfeld? That person who always tends to invade your personal space by getting right up in your face? (Pause for the body shudder.) We can feel it, and we’re likely to respond almost involuntarily by stepping back ourselves, which feels easier than saying something to that person (verbalizing our boundaries).
It’s not only ok, though, to communicate our comfort or discomfort, it’s essential. If you’d rather not be hugged, for instance, it’s ok to say so. It’s also crucial that we help our kids understand that they, too, have a voice.
If your kiddo has never met Uncle Bernie or Aunt Bernice and doesn’t want to be hugged, kissed, or squeezed, we need to help them honor that boundary. Heck, even when our kids know a relative well but aren’t in the mood to be touched, it’s important to remind them that they can speak up.
Tickling is another example of physical touch that is sometimes seen as “harmless” because it’s playful. Too often these basic boundaries (or rather, our right to set these boundaries) around physical touch are ignored when it comes to “family.”
If that boundary was not honored or protected for you as a kid, this can be triggering. You may feel awkward, especially if it seems like a small infraction, but every time someone invades your physical space, it’s just that…an invasion. And the body knows it.
Don’t be afraid to speak up if you don’t want to be touched in a certain way, or hugged, or even if you just need to clear the physical space around you by stepping back or going into a separate area for a bit. This is self-care. It’s your right, and it’s ok.
Time Boundaries
Setting boundaries around our time is something we understand in theory, but may not recognize as a key component in setting boundaries to protect our mental health and emotional well-being. Saying yes to things when we’d rather say no, staying late at work because we don’t want to seem unmotivated, or even not speaking up when someone is chronically late to meet us are all examples of when we’re not protecting our time.
We don’t want to offend someone or make a fuss, so we “suck it up” or we “let it go.” Sometimes that’s fine, but over time (um, no pun intended?) it becomes problematic and leads to overwhelm, resentment, and emotional strain, none of which are good for us or the relationship. And speaking of relationships…
Emotional Boundaries
The other big one we people-pleasers, empaths, and emotional caretakers tend to struggle with A LOT is the emotional boundary.
Emotional boundaries protect our emotional well-being and include all the things we do to manage our emotional energy and stay emotionally healthy.
To be fair, I’d argue that all boundaries are tied to emotional boundaries, because any time we set a boundary, we are doing so to protect our emotional well-being. But emotional boundaries are discussed most often in the context of relationships.
Setting emotional boundaries in relationships means communicating what works for us and what doesn’t work for us in that relationship, what’s ok and what’s not ok, how we want to be treated, and being mindful of how the relationship is affecting us.
In addition to feeling emotionally overwhelmed and drained in general, people-pleasers, empaths, and emotional caretakers are frequently frustrated in their relationships. They may feel underappreciated, resentful, or even taken advantage of. Can you relate?
Ok, now here is the hard truth. When we’re in relationships and we’re feeling any of those things, it’s time for a reality check. Have we allowed the relationship to get to this point by not communicating, not setting boundaries, and not honoring our own needs and emotions?
Specifically, let’s look at some common examples of not setting and protecting our emotional boundaries:
- Taking on other people’s emotions:
This is a big one for empaths especially. We can be so keenly aware of, so emotionally sensitive to, and so overly empathetic that we absorb other people’s emotions. Emotions have energy and that energy can be radiated and given off just like heat. If someone is happy, we can feel that energy (which is great). If someone is angry, we can feel that energy (which is less pleasant). When someone is sad, we can feel that too. The difference is, people-pleasers, empaths, and emotional caretakers take it on. We absorb that emotional energy. There’s no barrier. We feel it. We’re in it.
When we take on other people’s emotions, we are either not in touch with or we’re ignoring our own.
So…What you can do? Stop taking on other people’s emotions.
No, really. Just stop. I know it isn’t easy, but awareness is the first step. Start by bringing your awareness to the issue. Ask yourself if what you’re experiencing are your own emotions or the emotions of the other person. Check in with yourself. And remember that you can have compassion for others and feel empathy without taking on their emotions as your own.
- Taking responsibility for other people’s emotions:
Another big one, and one that can be difficult to wrap our heads around. It’s not possible for someone to be happy all the time, so stop trying to take that on as your job. It’s not. It’s also not your job to fix, solve, or take away other people’s negative emotions. (What?? Wild, I know.)
If someone you love is sad, give them space to be sad. Offer comfort in whatever capacity works for you and for them, but remember it’s not your responsibility to fix it. Ditto when it comes to anger or any other emotion.
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions also shows up as us not wanting to say something, communicate something, or express our own needs and emotions for fear of how the other person will feel.
We over-identify (often because of our high degree of empathy) with how our actions or words will impact the other. If I say XYZ, the other person will feel ABC, therefore I caused that.
Ultimately, we have the right to our feelings, and other people have the right to theirs. For example, if me saying, “No, I’m so sorry but I can’t make it” or “I can’t help out with that” brings about an emotional response in the other person (anger, disappointment, hurt), believe it or not (and I know this is so hard to swallow), that is OK!
We have the right to communicate, honor, and respect our own needs, our own emotions, and our own emotional well-being. And the other person has the right to feel however they feel about that.
You are a separate person. They are a separate person. We can’t control how someone is going to feel or respond. As long as we are being respectful in how we communicate, then however they respond is up to them and it is what it is.
This is the work of relationships. That doesn’t mean we don’t care about how they feel. It just means we’re not taking on responsibility for it.
- Putting everyone else’s needs first:
To this, I’ll just say, your needs and emotions are as important as everyone else’s. Not more so, but not less so! The key is balance.
Self-care is not selfish. You matter. Your feelings matter. Your opinion matters. Your needs matter. You have worth.
- Saying “yes” when we’d rather say “no”:
You’ve heard the expression, we can’t give from an empty cup. Except, as people-pleasers, empaths, and emotional caretakers, we do. We give, and give, and give, and we’re empty. Protecting our emotional boundaries means being mindful of our emotional energy and our emotional state. It means honoring our needs.
If saying yes to something leads me to feel frustrated with myself, the situation, or the other person, then I have not honored my own needs. If I feel resentment, then I have not honored my own needs. Frustration and resentment are our clues, they are our red flags.
Stay aware of when you’re feeling that way and rethink what you actually need to do for yourself in that situation. Protect your emotional energy and don’t try to pour from an empty cup.
Remember, boundaries keep us safe and act as a barrier separating one thing from another. They protect us emotionally, and they protect our relationships.
(Side note, if you set boundaries in a relationship and those boundaries are ignored, disrespected, minimized, or ridiculed, OR if you lose the relationship as a result, it was never a healthy relationship to begin with. It hurts, but you deserve better.)
If you’d like some more information on setting boundaries, I have a free guide for you called Boundary Setting Blue Print. Check it out.
You can also find me on FB at Willful Joy Coaching and Consulting, join my FB group for people-pleasers, or find me on IG where I talk a lot about boundaries!
Until then, stay true to you, Boo! And embrace the unsung heroes of self-love and personal growth, beautiful boundaries!