If you read my blog last week or you’re on my email list, you’ll notice we talked about boundaries, but this topic is so challenging that I’m doubling down. This week, we’re diving deeper into emotional boundaries. That’s right. The boundaries nobody really “gets” but everybody needs.
Emotional boundaries are extra tricky because, for the most part, they’re not taught in school, and they’re not easily identified. If we do learn them, we tend to learn them the hard way…through life experiences that eventually lead us to therapy.
First things first. Definitions.
Emotions are energy. Or, more specifically, emotions are energy moving through the body. And a boundary is something that separates one thing from another.
Emotional boundaries, then, have to do with protecting our emotional energy and stopping ourselves from absorbing other people’s emotional energy.
Emotional boundaries are like invisible lines that define the separation between our emotions and those of others. They serve as a protective shield, preserving our emotional well-being while promoting healthy relationships. Setting emotional boundaries doesn’t mean shutting others out or dismissing their feelings; rather, it’s about establishing a balance that fosters mutual respect and understanding.
Emotional boundaries help us establish autonomy, help us develop into who we are, and help us maintain our own person. When done right, emotional boundaries protect our self-esteem and keep us connected to our authentic selves. They also keep us from absorbing other people’s emotions and help us let go of feeling responsible for other’s emotions.
Let me say that again. Emotional boundaries keep us from absorbing other people’s emotions and help us let go of feeling responsible for other’s emotions.
Let’s walk through what that looks like.
Imagine there is a clear, plastic shield between you and another person that prevented their emotions from seeping into your body, and prevented your emotions from seeping into theirs. Instead, their emotions would just be visible in front of you, hanging out on their side of that plastic shield. You see their emotions, you can acknowledge their emotions, and you can validate their emotions, but you know that those emotions belong to that person. They don’t belong to you. And vice versa.
Now, as you are observing the other person’s emotions (which you can see behind this clear plastic shield), you may have an emotional reaction or have some thoughts of your own in response.
You see your emotional reaction, the other person sees your emotional reaction, but your emotional reaction stays on your side of the line. Still with me?
Next, it’s their turn again. They see your emotions and, hopefully, they acknowledge and validate your emotions, but your emotions don’t cross that boundary. They now have an opportunity to once again share their emotional reactions and responses to your emotions.
And so on.
You did not cause the other person’s emotions, and they did not cause yours. How we individually respond to things depends on so many factors…and there is just no way for us to control another person’s emotional response. If you can’t control another person’s response, you are also not responsible for it.
Period.
When you embrace emotional boundaries as a healthy part of relationships, it allows you to let go of the need to “manage” other people’s emotions. Let them have their feelings. It’s ok. They are allowed to have an emotional response to whatever you said or did. And you are allowed to have an emotional response to whatever they said or did. That does not mean you caused their response or have any control over their response.
People-pleasers, empaths, and emotional caretakers struggle with this because we have a great deal of empathy, we over-identify with the other person, and we project onto that person the feelings we know we would feel in that situation.
What’s the number one phrase we people-pleasers, empaths, and emotional caretakers utter when we’re trying to set a boundary, speak our truth, or have a difficult conversation?
Say it with me…”I feel bad.”
We “feel bad” because we over-identify with the other person. We’re getting into their emotional business, so to speak. Our empathy leads us to put ourselves in their shoes and make assumptions about how our words will make them feel. (But we do not “make” them feel anything. Their emotional response belongs to them.)
Consider this example.
You and a friend have plans, and the friend bales on you at the last minute. You respond by telling them it’s “totally fine,” and it’s “no problem.” If you really are “totally fine” with it, then that’s great. Then it really is “no problem.”
But…if you are feeling hurt or angry or disappointed, and it’s the people-pleaser, empath, or emotional caretaker in you who has responded by brushing it off, minimizing, or ignoring your feelings, then that’s an issue.
Why not speak up? Because the people-pleaser, empath, or emotional caretaker in you doesn’t want to make them feel uncomfortable or make them feel bad.
You’re over-identifying with their emotional response and making assumptions about how they will feel if you say something. You know that if someone told you that they were feeling hurt or angry or disappointed as a result of something you did or didn’t do, you would feel horrible. And you don’t want them to feel horrible so you say nothing.
But inside, you’re still feeling hurt or angry or disappointed.
When this kind of thing happens in relationships over and over and over again, it impacts you. You’re holding on to emotions (hurt, anger, disappointment) rather than communicating them. That hurts you and it hurts the relationship.
Instead, if a friend cancels on you at the last minute, think about the emotional boundary. You and your friend are two separate people. They’re allowed to feel what they feel and so are you.
They are allowed to cancel plans at the last minute and you are allowed to feel hurt, angry, or disappointed. You are also allowed to express your hurt, anger, or disappointment (appropriately).
In this scenario, an emotional boundary might look like this:
Friend cancels at the last minute and you say, “Oh ok. I understand. I am a bit disappointed because I was looking forward to spending time together.”
Right now I’m guessing you might be feeling pretty uncomfortable at the thought of actually saying something to someone in this situation. I get it. It feels scary and awkward and you’re still worried about upsetting the other person.
But here’s the thing: your feelings matter. You have the right to feel them and you have the right to express them (appropriately). You speaking up for yourself and expressing your feelings is you setting an emotional boundary.
To drive this point home, let’s look at this scenario in reverse.
You’ve made plans with a friend and you just don’t feel you can make it. Maybe you’ve worked a double shift and you’re exhausted, maybe you’re struggling with anxiety, or maybe you’re struggling with depression. For whatever reason, you just don’t have it in you to go do the thing you said you would go do with this friend.
You feel bad canceling, but you let them know you can’t make it. When you do this, you’re practicing self-care. You’re listening to your body and doing what’s in your best interest. And that’s ok! That’s you setting an emotional boundary of sorts because you are honoring your emotional energy.
Your friend, like you, has the right to have their own emotional response. They have the right to feel hurt, angry, or disappointed, and they have the right to express that to you. Let them. That’s them setting their own emotional boundary.
While it won’t feel particularly good hearing that they’re feeling XYZ, healthy emotional boundaries mean giving them permission to have their feelings while also giving yourself permission to honor your own. You are two separate people, after all.
Emotional boundaries are about acknowledging, respecting, honoring, and then communicating (appropriately) our thoughts and feelings, and allowing others to do the same (appropriately). When we understand this basic truth – that we all have the right to feel what we feel and that we cannot control how others feel – it helps us let go.
As you practice setting emotional boundaries, keep that clear plastic shield in mind. Your feelings are your own. The other person’s feelings are their own. And you each have the right to feel them. No one controls the other, therefore no one is responsible for the other. Sometimes things hurt. Sometimes things feel awkward. Sometimes things feel uncomfortable. But in a healthy relationship, that’s ok (as long as the relationship is a safe one).
Ultimately, emotional boundaries in relationships is a win-win because we’re able to be authentic in that relationship, which is what matters most.
Remember, you are worthy and you are enough! 🌷