It’s 1 a.m. and I’ve been sitting in bed “scrolling” for hours. My intention was to go to bed early and actually get a good night’s sleep, but moving my body physically into bed and going to sleep are two very different things. That familiar voice pops into my head…”What are you doing?? Go to sleep! What is wrong with you? You’re going to regret this in the morning.” And yet, I continue to scroll because TikTok is oh-so entertaining.
On other nights, that one episode of whatever show has captured my interest turns into “I must consume this entire season tonight.” I know I’m not alone here…there’s even a meme about it that goes something like this:
Netflix: Do you want to watch an 8-hour movie?
Me: What? Are you nuts? No way.
Netflix: Ok, how about eight 1-hour episodes you can watch all at once?
Me: I’m in!
So why do we do these things?
The answer is usually this: we’re delaying, avoiding, numbing, or escaping negative thoughts and feelings.
Most of us don’t welcome or relish the idea of being uncomfortable. We’re not very good at “sitting with” our negative emotions–loneliness, boredom, pain, sadness, anxiety, anger– so we put them off. As far as avoidance strategies go, binge-watching TV or falling into the social media abyss are not great, but both are pretty relatable. Other common examples of “not great” but “not the worst” avoidance behaviors include emotional eating (which we all do from time to time and can be perfectly normal), having a drink, or engaging in some retail therapy. None of these things, in moderation, are self-destructive, so we don’t really give them much thought.
Instead, we tend to associate emotional numbing, avoidance, and escape with more negative behaviors, often those linked to addiction. The term “self-medicate,” for example, specifically refers to the use of a behavior (gambling, excessive shopping, self-harm) or a substance (food, drugs, alcohol) to avoid emotion, numb psychological pain, and escape uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.
Having a glass of wine at the end of a long day to unwind, or finishing off a pint of Ben & Jerry’s after a breakup is common and not necessarily unhealthy. Drinking an entire bottle of wine each night, or bingeing on a gallon of ice cream, 3 boxes of cookies, and a frozen lasagna is not. When people fall into these self-destructive behaviors or self-medicate with food, alcohol, or drugs, we recognize that person’s pain and the fact that they need help. Perhaps we’ve even been that person at one point in our lives. I know I have.
(Sidebar: To be clear, I am definitely not suggesting addiction is a choice, a character weakness, or a moral issue. Addictions are biologically-based, and socially and environmentally exacerbated. Addictions also serve the purpose of taking people away from their psychological pain, if only temporarily. If there is any kind of silver lining to the hell that is addiction, it’s that, hopefully, the individual receives the help that allows them to heal.)
This brings me (finally) to my point: socially accepted avoidance behaviors…those things we do to avoid feeling our feelings, numb emotions, or escape our problems that are, simultaneously, socially encouraged, praised, or thought of in a more positive light.
While most of us recognize that using food or substances, scrolling social media for hours, staying up too late, hitting up Amazon, and binge-watching Netflix are, at best, unhealthy, and, at worst, self-destructive, we don’t always recognize other avoidant behaviors.
Socially accepted avoidance behaviors are those choices we make or those behaviors we engage in to avoid feeling our feelings, numb our emotions, or escape from our problems that are simultaneously reinforced by society.
Some of the most common examples of socially accepted avoidance behavior include (drum roll please):
- People-pleasing
- Emotional caretaking
- Over-scheduling or excessive busyness
- Being a ‘workaholic’
- Over-exercising
- Healthy eating (to an extreme)
- Perfectionism
- Overachieving
- Toxic positivity
- Excessive cleaning
If you see yourself in any of these categories, you may or may not feel like it’s a positive (many people, for instance, are trying to break the habit of people-pleasing or work on being less of a perfectionist), but chances are you’ve been praised for, complimented on, or built part of your identity around these behaviors. And you’re not alone.
I’ve worked with a lot of women whose socially accepted avoidance behaviors have caused them great harm and become a source of pain. I’ve also been one of those women, and I know just how confusing it can be.
How can something “good” or something “positive” lead to pain or suffering? The truth is, anything taken to an extreme, even “good” things, will eventually turn into something harmful, self-defeating, or self-destructive.
There are a lot of reasons we women find ourselves stuck in socially accepted avoidance behaviors. Looking at the list from above, how many of these behaviors have you, as a woman, been socialized to believe are important characteristics? How many of these behaviors have been tied to feminine roles? How many of these behaviors are associated with positive values? And how many of these behaviors have we been led to believe determine our worth, at least in part?
Often, these behaviors develop as a result of childhood stressors, negative experiences, or trauma. They serve as a defense or a survival tactic. They may also be something we developed in our childhood as a result of well-intentioned positive reinforcement. (Think, proud parents praising your success, talent, achievement, or behavior.)
Regardless of their origin, it’s easy to see why these qualities and behaviors are associated with strength, good character, and held in high regard. It’s easy to see how they’re perpetuated. I mean, if we’re not these things, what are we?
If we’re not pleasing others, or don’t care what others think, does that make us self-centered or stuck-up? (People-pleasing)
If we’re not taking care of others, does that make us selfish, cold-hearted, or callous? (Emotional caretaking)
If we’re not staying busy, does that make us lazy or unmotivated? (Over-scheduling)
If we’re not working long hours, does that mean we lack ambition? (Workaholic)
If we’re not exercising actively and consistently, are we apathetic or couch potatoes? (Over-exercising)
If we’re not concerned with what we eat, are we being irresponsible or ignorant? (Healthy eating)
If we don’t set exceedingly high standards, are we negligent, careless, or settling? (Perfectionism)
If we’re not succeeding, are we failing? (Overachieving)
If we’re not being positive or sugary sweet, are we pessimistic or insensitive? (Toxic positivity)
If we’re not tidy, are we slobs? (Excessive cleaning)
So we do the things and we develop these characteristics. We hide our own thoughts and feelings, we lose our authenticity, and we disconnect from our “selves.” And all the while, we continue to be rewarded for doing it.
“Have you met Julie? She is SO nice! She’s so helpful and takes on so much. She’s just a total sweetheart.”
“Sally, I don’t know how you do it. You are always so put together and you look amazing.”
“Megan is a saint. She’s always there for everyone. I don’t know what we’d do without her.”
“You’re a lifesaver, Amanda. I know I can always count on you to stay late, come in early, or do whatever it takes to get the project done.”
“Kate is always so positive! She’s a breath of fresh air. I’ve never seen her without a smile.”
“Mary never complains. She just takes care of everything. We never have to worry about her. She’s just so responsible.”
Do any of these comments sound familiar?
Over time, these behaviors that once served a purpose or felt good to us, become a trap. We start to believe that we can’t NOT do these things or be these things. We start to believe that others will stop liking us, stop loving us, or stop needing us. We start to believe our value and worth as a person is based on being a certain way, looking a certain way, or performing a certain way. What might once have been confidence or pride turns into self-doubt and insecurity.
We have no choice but to keep going, keep being, keep performing, and keep pushing, because if we don’t, bad things will happen.
If we stop engaging in these behaviors, we’ll have to face our “selves.”
Over time, loneliness creeps in, fear and anxiety creep in, sadness creeps in, and eventually, anger and resentment creep in. Self-talk becomes punitive, critical, or demanding, and thoughts spiral.
We’re not always sure why, but we’re feeling bad. We’re hurting. And in the past, the answer and the way out has always been to do more of whatever behavior has earned us praise and acceptance. It gives us that temporary boost we think we need.
It becomes a painful, self-defeating cycle.
And this is how socially accepted positive behaviors trap us, turning into socially accepted avoidance behaviors.
Anything good taken to the extreme becomes bad. Good feelings turn into pain.
But there is hope! The first step in changing anything is awareness. Once we recognize the ways in which our “positive” behaviors are actually hurting us or getting in the way of living our best lives, we can begin the process of stepping out of those behaviors. Yes, that does mean facing uncomfortable emotions– sitting with fear, anxiety, sadness, and so on; it means processing psychological pain.
Is it easy? No. If it were easy, we’d have done it long ago, right? But is it worth it? Hell yes.
Your worth is not determined by what you do for others, how you look, how well you perform, or how many of your own needs you ignore.
You are worthy and you are enough just because. Period. End of sentence.
If you’re interested in exploring how your own socially sanctioned avoidance behaviors might be getting in your way, reach out. I’d love to talk! I’m still, as we all are, a work in progress, and I still struggle with avoiding uncomfortable emotions sometimes. But, I’m no longer willing to lose myself, trade authenticity for acceptance, or chase my worth. And you don’t have to either.
Bravo, your thought is brilliant
Thank you!